Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Buying Goldfish - More Paperwork than Madonna in Africa

Fish pedicure seems the latest fad. I can sense GK Chesterton slowly turning in his grave...

An advert for the service even appeared on this blog (courtesy of Google Ads).

No doubt my post on a conversation in a local chippy whilst buying fish and chips brought about this bizarre advert placement.

When I read about fish pedicure and see ads for it in the local paper I always wonder how they work out the charges. Is it per fish?

If I were the fish-owner (the pedicurist if you will) I think I'd want to see the state of the feet being plunged in with my fish before setting a rate.

Nice n clean, size 4's? That'll be £5 please.

Cheesy, crusty, flaking, size 13's? That'll be £40 please.

On the subject of fish, we were in a large pet store the other week and whilst there I decided to buy some 99p goldfish (no expense spared!) to go in our garden pond, now that it is secured via some netting and the fish are safe from the heron (see past posts).
One of the fish tanks the shop sells: cruelty itself!

Dear Lord above.

You would have thought I wanted to adopt six children rather than buy six fish. I bet Madonna filled out less paperwork and answered fewer questions the last time she played the child-snatcher in Africa.

Next they wanted to know how big the tank was. I gulped. Would putting fish in a natural environment where they are free to swim about amongst plants, under stones etc. be considered cruelty in a store that sells garish minuscule fish tanks with themed backdrops and stickers all over them? I shifted weight from foot to foot, my mouth went dry, and beads of sweat appeared on my forehead.

So, opting for the path of moral cowardice, I held out my arms in a fisherman "the one that got away" style and even guesstimating a tank way smaller than our pond, it clearly got the 'OK' from the Obergruppenfuhrer in charge of the fish section.

Hey crickets have rights too!
As they fished out the little fishies, my eldest whispered to me "hey Dad, how come they say only so many can be kept in a tank so big, when they keep dozens in tiny tanks themselves!"


It was only afterwards, whilst taking our new adoptees home (and feeling as guilty as a Weight Watchers member after a chocolate cake binge), that I remembered the same shop sells insects as a 'live food' for reptiles.

Does their adoption, animal rights and sales protocol extend to crickets?

Physicians heal thyselves.

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