Friday, 30 September 2016

The Hills Have Eyes meets Dad's Army

As Warden Hodges (a character I have based my entire persona on) might intone: "RUDDY HOOLIGANS!"

It was like (the Sly Stallone/Davide Carradine film) Death Race 2000 trying to cross the road this morning. 

Two social outcasts were bearing down on me at the speed of sound (I could tell, as the Abba medley they were blaring out reached my ear as they drew level). Only their twisted grimaces were visible through the grimy windscreen - the kind you see backwoodsmen driving in those horror road movies which invariably involve a digit or two being lost to a rusty blade. 

And how apt, for 'twas the kings of the rusty Stanley blade themselves. The fearsome duo who walk around local shops just to wear down their carpets in an evil plot to garner business. The cads!

Some foul abuse was thrown from the open window as the driver cursed about my shop not selling suitable receptacles for Freddo Bars as the passenger (ensconced within what locals, with a wobble in their voice, call the "offcut van") laughed with a blood-curdling chuckle (the type only a hired-help can truly master over countless cups of tea).

Passers-by cowed in horror at the sight of such anti-social behaviour in broad daylight, though it may have been at the graffiti written on the back of the van (finger in dirt style), employing various cuss words and questioning the parentage of the boss of Carpet Rite. Who cares? Er I mean, who knows?

Then with a Speedy Gonzalez (and deeply racist act of cultural misappropriation) shout of "andalĂ©, andalĂ©" (though in hindsight it may have been "underlay underlay") they were off with a wheel-spin to the rough end of the high street where the police will only patrol in pairs and the grannies have tattoos with swear words. 

I barely escaped with my life. It's true. Honest. 

Sunday, 25 September 2016

Corbyn Elected. Imagine My Shock

A few lessons:

1. As with Brexit, politicians learn that democracy sucks. 

2. People - especially (but not exclusively) on the left - have had enough of spin & dodgy foreign wars. Thank God, or we'd be in Syria now supporting the decapitating "moderate" terrorists by bombing Syrian troops and creating another Islamist failed state like Libya. 

3. MPs (as with Brexit) think they know better than the plebs. It will take them a long time to realise that: a. They don't. b. This antagonises people. A lot. 

4. Politics is no longer straightforward. No more left v right. Voters especially are cherry-picking causes. For example I'd class myself as anti-war (classically left wing) but wanting strict migration controls (classically right wing), I'm against crony capitalism & favour protecting workers wages (left) but am pro life and pro death penalty for paedophiles (right). The idea that everyone is "left" or "right" is dead. But I think the parties and journalists haven't learnt this yet as they live in their own political bubbles. 

5. Corbyn may win more votes in Scotland, but the SNP is so left-wing and Scottish Labour is semi-UDI will it have an impact?

6. Ironically Corbyn may win more votes in white, English working class communities (from ukip) because they were fed up of posh out of touch metropolitan "latte Labour" - but his inability to overturn the leftist dogma of open door migration will be a millstone for labour amongst the poorer English. 

7. Despite the last two points the classic 'Mondeo Man' voter whom the Tories & Labour want to target in the Home Counties may well think Corbyn is too socialist for them. 

8. One thing is for sure, this will reinvigorate politics. And at least HM Opposition may actually oppose HM Government on key areas (esp foreign wars). 

9. It will also be interesting to see what bilge messers Blair, Mandelson, Campbell & the other corrupt New Labour war criminals come up with. 

Interesting times ahead... Foshizzle.