Sunday, 22 May 2016

Bart & the Rubber Duck

Silly Batholomew. 

He got out of the bath today (no mean feat for a spider) all dripping wet and proceeded to tidy up his toys. 

"What a polite young spider" you're possibly thinking at this stage, and you'd be right to. He the very model of arachnid courtesy and civility. He's nothing if not refined and chivalrous. 

But wait! There he was still somewhat moist after towling himself down (I had turned away. I'm no prude but there are private moments in a spider's life that simply do not bear scrutiny bordering on intrusiveness). This can take awhile as size is relative and what gives him a head start viz lack of armpits, is soon downgraded (to quote Donald Rumsfeld) in his overabundance in thighs. I was going to say groinage, but ever the gentleman...

Anyhoo, there he was still damp as a Lib Dem election promise, pottering about with one of his favourite bath toys (see pic) when he went to switch off the light switch. 

Oh silly Bart! 

"No!!!" I intoned, loud enough to warrant the use of at least three exclamation marks. Just in time to save my soggy, spider chum from the possibility of a shock greater than that of Lewis Hamilton paying his taxes. 

And so a minor disaster was averted. I'm not ashamed to say we had a brief hug in recognition of the moment, cementing our bromance in the best traditions of man-spider friendship stretching back, through the centuries, to a wee cave in Bonnie Scotland wherein sat The Bruce. 

Bart says it goes back further to a Greek spider scaring Archimedes in the bath, but that's another story. 

SNP to Make me King of Scotland?

Far be it from me to engage in pointless hyperbole, as I once told the Sultan of Brunei as we sipped cocktails on the poop deck of his Royal Yacht 'Loaded Innit,' but I am due to be crowned the King of Scotland. 

Yes it's true. You see Mrs H's family goes back to Robert the Bruce (see pic here) and the Stuart line. 

Oh BoJo may think he's a big knob (if stories in Private Eye are to be believed) with links to the Hapsburgs, but when it comes to royalty, right here right now, I have it on good authority (Patch the dog) that I am what the common people call "a shoe in" for the post. 

Now we all know the SNP rule north of the border, even though they didn't get the independence vote so many wanted, so here's my plan. 

I'm going to write a letter (I know, old school right? So very, Mary Queen of Scots) to the Scottish Parliament at Holyrood to stake my claim and await the popular acclamation and adulation that (modest though I am) is sure to follow, just as day follows night. 

Then, just like Bonnie Prince Charlie, the rightful Stuart King (deposed by a bunch of scheming German Protestants & English merchants) I will make the long march (only northwards this time!) to reclaim my crown. Culloden will be avenged. 

And there we are. The rest should run quite smoothly. King Gareth I of Scotland.  I like it. It flows as smoothly as a fine old Glenmoranjie malt. 

And before the accusations fly, let me say that I'll be a magnanimous King. I will seek alliances with old Royal Houses. It could be fun! Who's with me? Let's get the Bourbons, Hapsburgs, and Romanovs back on the thrown. Let's make Tara Hill & Machynllyth centres of Royal culture and power again. 

Any advice on what my 'Letter to Hollyrood' should consist of I'd be mightily obliged. I want to come across as regal and firm, but not overbearing and haughty. 

I'll also need some help designing my new Royal Crest. I'm thinking the ancient Stuart crest of Scotland with a dragon added, like Margaret Tudor's (see image here) which had the Welsh dragon the Tudor's introduced to the English crown, but a bit more 'blokey' perhaps with a small Bluebird on there. Plus something borrowed from County Cork for my own paternal lineage ("Bene Fide" has a nice ring to it). 

For my retinue when we decamp to our ancient holdings in Scotland I'm going to need some very loyal advisors. Send your CVs into Hurley Towers. We will, of course, like all royal families, keep our holdings outside of our realm, and so the people of Wales won't lose our presence totally once we (the Royal we) ascend the throne atop the Stone of Scone.  

Can I also scotch (!) the rumours of a purge of public figures once the throne is ours. Wee Nicky Sturgeon will be quite safe, for the time being. Oh, and if Fiona Bruce and Ken Bruce want any role in Royal Scottish affairs they will have to forego their BBC stipend.